Not good enough. Not strong enough. Not “motherly” enough. I am Inadequate.
I haven’t the patience (or perhaps it’s the sleep I’m lacking) to mother my little the way I want to. The way I need to. The way I’m “supposed” to.
Thank all that is good and holy for my husband. He saves me from the darkness. He saves our little from lying in her crib just crying. He is our savior.
Our little spends 90% of her awake time fussy – aka crying, wiggling, using me as a stair stepper, just generally unhappy and uncomfortable. This results in me quickly being touched-out and extremely aggravated, because duh, I’m the mom, I should be able to fix this shit.
Can we talk about being touched-out for a sec? Cuz no one told me about this. I’d like to believe that I would have been more prepared for the sensation (or at least prepared my husband) if someone, anyone, would have said, “Hey, you might not want to be touched. At all. By anyone. Ever.” No one told me that it might trigger a panic attack (I have a history of anxiety and panic attacks). NO ONE told me that I would not want to touch or hold my baby. No one.
I feel like I got the party line everyone gets – “You’ll love motherhood! It’s amazing” – I think they are confused by what amazing is or just forgot what it’s actually like to have a newborn (my little is 2.5 months old currently). Or maybe they have never experienced a baby with “colic” – the ever elusive, non definitive creator of a fussy and (OMG I’m saying it) unbearable baby.
But lets not get too sidetracked – I do love my baby. More when she is sleeping or smiling at me than when she is screaming, but love her I do. And I know my love for her will continue to grow as she gets older and more involved (and better equipped to manage her own body) – my husband reminds me of this many times a day.
But for now, I feel unhinged. I feel like I’m failing. I feel inadequate.