Okay, bloggers – it’s truth time. This is hard. Hard doesn’t even begin to describe the feeling of loss, frustration, joy, anger, love, and hate that motherhood has thrown at me in the last three and a half months.
I knew it would be hard. But I did not know that it would be this hard.
So hard that I want to give up.
Hard like I wish I was Marty McFly and could go back in time and slap myself silly.
So unbelievably difficult that I sometimes wish that I would just cease to exist. But that’s just my postpartum depression talking…that’s a whole other post for another day.
This last week has been very difficult. Little is extra fussy and clingy. Sometimes the only way to get her to sleep is to literally keep her on the boob. The second it comes out, she’s crying again. Put it back in, and voila! Sleep.
It also doesn’t help that we have MAJOR issues with our neighbors and their highly aggressive dog. Show of hands – who likes to spend the evening at the emergency vet clinic waiting for your dog to be stitched back together? Anyone? Anyone? No? Me neither…Did I mention that this is the second time in the last three months?
It’s not just Little though. It’s me. I’m extra needy, and my husband, bless his ever lovin’ heart, just can’t keep up. We fight. We talk. Things get better for all of two seconds and then they start all over again. It doesn’t help that neither one of us is really sleeping…
The reality of parenthood is devastating. I have lost myself and the playfulness of my marriage. I’m hoping that at some point they return to me like a lost puppy.
That’s the truth folks – sometimes I’m so over motherhood that I wish I could take it all back. Please don’t misconstrue that as me not loving my baby – I LOVE HER so much. So much so that I feel like I am failing her and that she should have chosen a different mom… <– that’s more truth for you.
But she did choose me, so every day I choose her. And my husband. And myself.
Adulting and parenting is hard.
P.S. Stay tuned for my baby nest DIY non-tutorial, tutorial. It’s cozy and lovely and the only reason that I get the little amount of sleep that I do get.